I’m Tired..

I haven’t written a single thing in the vicinity of a month. Most of what I’ve wanted to write has been excessively positive. I feel more like myself than I have in years, seriously, years. Plural. My confidence in all things is starting to beam, and I enjoy everyday.

But then I have a today. Today is that day where something in my body is just kind of off, and whatever it is that makes my brain tick and allows me to feel normal, just isn’t fully there.  This is the first, maybe second time that I’ve had this kind of day in that same time frame (~month). That’s very positive.

But now I’m faced with the choice. Go to sleep right now. Chug about 30 pages of this book I read and go to sleep. Or churn out something as fast as I can and go to sleep– each one of those garnering about 7 hours, which I haven’t had in a while. I like odd number hours of sleep, and 7 is a lot better than 6 (my average). So I am churning.

I am tired. I am just, tired, all the time now. It is like last year around this time, being out in the world again, waking up at around 6, long days of driving 45 minutes here and there, always in traffic, leaving the house at 7, getting home at 11. Naturally, I am tired, but in many other ways I am tired.

I had a few strands of thought fall at my feet today. I’m tired of playing away games– socially. For the past year, maybe two at this point, I’m always in what I’d call a road game with friends. For a lot of them, it is almost always on their turf, or in their comfort zone, or with their primary inner circle of friends, or so on. I don’t have a problem with it, and I often enjoy it, but as a staunch introvert, bejeezles, it sure takes it’s toll on me. After all this time accumulating, I just realized how much it is contributing to my fatigue.

I can think of numerous friends of whom I have only, exclusively seen on their turf, and not but maybe once seen them outside of that. I like balance. I like neutrality a lot. I think neutrality is fair, at least sometimes. I don’t ask people to come onto my turf too much, unless they are used to suiting up in home jerseys in that instance, too. It is taxing, it is kind of alienating, and you can’t really (re)connect with the friend like you’d like to before getting into these other situations.

Now, I realize I don’t consciously think through these things, but under that conscious layer, I am. And even more subtext is that it has led to me being pretty fickle with a lot of people. I realize how many people I’ve chosen to become disinterested with because I never really got to see that person, the best they always seemed to offer me was seeing who they are when they are with the people they want to be with. In that case, I am basically one of those synthetic sweeteners for them; lost in the rest of the mix. Splendid Splenda.

The thing is, I try not to be so fickle, and I try to take what I can get, but maybe I am not being selfish enough, or maybe I am still being too selfish. I know I do plenty of similarly petty things to friends, and I try really hard to be self-aware of it, but…

I’m just so tired.

I’m tired, and I want people to make things easier on me, just for a little while, or at least just occasionally.

Then I can feel tired about other things.

Here’s to the next morning, folks.

Discovery, Discover Me

We always talk about how we want to be a little kid again.

I remember being a little kid. I was eleven. I would sit in the chatrooms on AOL, and lie about my age. I was always between 14 and 17. I always wanted to be 17. That seemed like the age to be.

One night, I was observing a chat between two older teenagers. The nineteen year old was talking about how he wished he were young again. I remember thinking to myself, “right now, I’ll never think that, but I know when I am older I will.”

Of course it came true. As a twenty-five year old, I wouldn’t mind having my sleep rudely interrupted by my mom at 6 am, being whisked out the door with a blue Conan the Barbarian lunchbox and Jansport backpack that is twice my weight and shuttled off to a full day of school with all the other kids.

They say all sorts of dirty things about nostalgia, of which I guess are true. Yet, while going through childhood once is perfectly enough, I can’t help but think that I wouldn’t mind it because–

When you’re young, you learn so much every day because–

When you’re young, everything is so new.

Discovery, discover me.

no effort – Facebook Pasting I

I wanted to post something, but I didn’t want to take the time to finish writing anything. So I copy and paste delirious facebook ramblings and call it blog! Italicizing myself for dramatic, confucian/bozoean effect

 

 

James Curtis

I’ve finally won
Robert Bolgeo

for real?
James Curtis

Via choosing different races
handicapped ones
I have won
Robert Bolgeo

what are you talking about?
James Curtis

I will no longer not not be respected
I am talking about the punk movemet
movement
meowvement
Robert Bolgeo

no you aren’t
and if you are, you haven’t won
unless in the punk movement winning means losing
James Curtis

I have won
Quitting = winning
well
not quitting
transcending
transcendance is achieving victory
and fulfillment is baking your heart until the bread is warm
Robert Bolgeo

i’ll take that.
James Curtis

holding on is breaking your heart until it is stale bread
and crumbs that lead to a person who is no longer there
is all you will be
And they overestimate a beating heart
because sometimes it is only beating itself
Robert Bolgeo

are you writing me poetry?
James Curtis

I don’t write poetry
and I don’t write it to you, either
Robert Bolgeo

wrong on both accounts
James Curtis

Someone is wrong
and it is usually everyone in the room
When the room empties
the only thing left is the prosperity of incorrection
breeding like bacteria underneath the pit of the earth
Robert Bolgeo

poetry
James Curtis

If I could choose
I would never become a poet
but I would gladly become a bard
Robert Bolgeo

i would love to see you a bard
travelling from town to town
regailing the peasants with tales from the kingdom
James Curtis

It is hard to continue my incoherent chickerings with you interjecting every 80 pixels
Robert Bolgeo

hahaha
i don’t want you to chicker me
nor do i want you to chicker me out
James Curtis

It is not you who I am chickering
It is the wind I chicker to
you just stand in the way
please move
please move
but the wind blows me still
in your direction
please move
please move
I am not a sail boat
I’M A FAIL BOAT
Robert Bolgeo

1:05am
stop your bardetry! it makes me regret my lack of inspiration recently
James Curtis

CHIPS AHOY
Robert Bolgeo

oh snap

Txt Msg Transcripts – Vol. 1

I recently decided that because sometimes I say things very relevant to my life in text message conversations, that I would start a mini series of entries that takes good stuff from them. Mostly for the sake of being able to permanently get down parts of myself that I explain. This is the first one, from a conversation explaining my current status in life.

Note – I will always only take things I said for my personal blog uses, never anything that was texted to me from someone else.

Talking about being caught in a vicious cycle of climbing out of my hole and slipping back into a small rut: and how I hate sleeping because when I wake up, I reset into feeling all the bad weight I’m carrying (thus continually staying up later and later):

“Long text incoming. It is most definitely a vicious cycle. I haven’t been as impacted by it as I am now in a long time. It all goes back a few years, a saga of which I’ve talked about plenty. When I had my break up, I retreated to my home for a period to spend some time being nothing but broken and recovering; a period of time in which I was effectively a useless human being making no contributions to my surroundings. the time came when I had recovered enough to actually restart my life. I got re-enrolled [in school], started looking for work, reconnected with as many people as would have me, mostly conquered my newly developed anxiety and so on. Got a job for a while and that was the best I had been in years, was even part of normal hours, waking up at 8 everyday, rarely able to stay up past 1, but then that job wasn’t where I needed to be so I left, and since have not had luck getting more than a few interviews. Thus slowing my plans of moving out, finishing school and moving to California in January. As well as making it hard to financially sustain a social life (as this all colluded with my parents current financial situation developing). More than anything, it kept me in this place I had sought refuge [my house]; physically and habitually. So I was already battling the usual struggles, but on top of that I was in the place that made it easy for previous feelings to return to me, which as evident from the past 2 weeks didn’t take much leverage to gain influence on my life again. Essentially, without something to occupy my time and also get me moving on from here, I don’t know if I can conquer the cycle.”

“I know these things, but it is good to hear it too. I just need to tread water long enough to get out of where I’m at; the one “small” aspect couldn’t be more prevalent these days. I feel my primary personal affliction right now is that I’m nearly 25 years old and am feeling barred from the rest of the world because I’m trapped at home with no real responsibility and no way to be independent, and in the meantime these little 5 lb. weights keep getting attached to me as I’m trying to stay afloat, which manifests in the form of anxiety. So each day that goes on, even if the weight doesn’t increase, it feels like it has. So I sleep and wake up feeling more anxiety than the previous day, despite probably having spent most my energy the previous day conquering what anxiety I had. Eventually I get to the point where I get nothing done. I quit applying to jobs because I feel defeated, I quit trying to sort out school because I feel like neglecting it, I don’t work on my film project because I don’t feel inspired, I ditch plans I had because I feel like wallowing alone, I even avoid contact with the people I live with [my parents] because I feel shame. Then there are the more sociological elements, such as most of my closest friends not living in the same state. Half that do, still live far enough away to make it hard to come see me and I don’t always have money for gas. Furthermore, almost all of them have jobs and lead ‘adult’ lives so I feel like I’m some child who didn’t grow and develop while everyone else moved on like we were all supposed to. It is kinda funny how I envy them [because I can’t afford to have a life], yet they envy part of me for actually having all this free time to relax and enjoy as much life as I want.”