Make Them Words

Words. Words. Words.

Blown out of my mouth like bubbles

Floating about

Hollow things

Make them pop.

The best wordsmiths

Sometimes able to take useless words

And bend them into ideas.

Hollow words

Make them stop.

Friends who are so into these words

Take your marvel

Take your scrolls

Take your poetry

Take your words

And find a better hobby.

There’s nothing more hollow

than the words

“I’m sorry.”

a promise

I’ll refertilize the Earth with fresh minds like a new green cut of lettuce picked from the garden on a dewey spring day.

Attention Whore

The following is something I’ve complained about before, but it is always good to revisit these things. Women, girls, whatever you consider yourself to be, or however you are classified based on how you act: I think half of your take for granted how easy you get attention, and the other half who don’t take it for granted certainly take advantage of it. So, you’re cute– at least cute enough for a multitude of men to be driven enough to want to throw attention your way just because you pass a primal sort of threshold of attraction to try to reel you in by shallowly make you feel good about yourself. Congratulations, you’ve accomplished a lot.

For those of you who take it for granted, wake up and take some, not a lot, but just enough attention to perhaps let yourself look in the mirror and realize you aren’t fat or overweight, and that just because your frame isn’t the photoshopped tree branch wearing a wig that you see in media, a terrifying percentage of men will find whatever your frame is attractive. And that doesn’t include all the other variables that will put you into that attention garnering part of the diagram.

Now, before people start to complain and say, “Oh look at this guy, he’s just jealous, or frustrated because..,” SHUT UP! Hell yes I’m envious! Why? Because I work hard for my attention. I work damn hard. I ain’t no Pretty Bolgeo, but I at least am my best looking I’ve been in my life. I’m also in great shape. More importantly, I am interesting, often funny, intelligent, and like the ocean floor with a good mix of varying levels deep and shallow. I’m caring, I’m not a pig, but I also don’t act like an asexual eunuch. I am respectful, but not androgynously passive. I offer plenty of insight, or perspective. I could write my way out of a public desecration and sacrifice as a prisoner to an ancient tribal civilization. I can treat people, but also know how to receive hospitality. Heck, I can even cook these days. I could continue listing, but the point is, I have to use

every

single

one

of these qualities, and furthermore try to use them in a positive fashion just to receive enough attention to register on a scale of time perceivable by humans. And we are talking about attention from anyone, even my momma. So yeah, I’m a bit jealous, and sometimes a touch bitter, but with in very good reason, because you have it too easy. I have no problem being honest about this. I am not holding any grudges. If I weren’t working so hard, then there would be no contrast for you to realize how easy you have it. I’m not here to tell you what to do beyond that. I just want you to know. Next time you feel down on yourself, all you have to do is put on a tight skirt, some make-up, get your hair did a little bit and walk into a crowd. If I had been the one to paint the Mona Lisa, I probably wouldn’t get admiration for it until after I’ve been long resting in the Earth.

And this falls into what I really had on my mind to write about. I don’t like giving attention, or rather, playing the usual game for it that everyone else does. Now of course, people are going to say that if you don’t play the game by the rules (by societies constructs, or whatever), then of course you’re going to always be watching from the bench. I don’t try to play my own game entirely, I just hate having to play the same game everyone else does. It is faulty.

I misspoke a second ago. I do like giving attention, I don’t like the ways I have to. Here is an example of one of my biggest problems:

Say I like a girl, well wait, let’s say I’m just attracted to this lovely lady– I can’t express that so overtly. I’ve been watching fools walk up to women my entire life and so overtly flying their banner that shouts, “ooh mama, I like what you have to offer so I’m going to do as much as I can to look like a hopeless idiot to you and anyone with eyeballs in the vicinity.”

Screw that.

This works in public. In a bar. Amongst groups of friends. In knitting class. Even on the Internet, and so on.

Maybe it is purely pride, but I just can’t lower myself to that position. If I can get into a more shielded setting, then it’s on, but otherwise, well, I think it is clear that shuts me out of almost everything. I have a better handle on attraction (from basic instinctual concepts, to person specific things, all the way to body language) then I probably let on, or let myself take advantage of, and I’d say one of the principles is that in most cases, if you don’t properly display or convey attraction from yourself, there is no chance for another person to be attracted to you. Caveats to this are if you are just an aesthetically beautiful person, famous, sometimes if you’re charismatic, or if you’re just lucky and that person already is in to you. But even with the last one, if you don’t cultivate what you could consider an ember of attraction, it can end up into nothing but a lump of coal, or even worse.

Granted, I’ve been playing with this handicap my entire life, so I am kind of used to it. But as a young adult, it is a weird place to be in life, and it is kind of like growing up a baseball prospect– you finally get to the majors and find that everyone else is using steroids, and your integrity isn’t only useless; it’s detrimental.

There aren’t things that I think about too often, or bother me a lot, but from time to time, such as tonight (or lately this week), they have annoyed me. I just wanted to speak my piece once again.

I think you’re all scumbags either way.

<3

AMENDMENT –  I had to come back and add this, because I realized I missed my entire point. The point is less about doing things for attention, or having to show attention to get it. Those list of qualities that I put up against being a woman and looking good which should get attention are not things I do to get attention. In fact, I try to make sure I don’t derive attention from them directly (to a fault, probably). For instance, I’ve tried hard to get better at receiving compliments. Even in some lousy pick-up basketball game, I don’t like it when I go off and am hitting shots in peoples faces and the other guys on the other team are telling me, “quit making everything!” I don’t know how to react to that. What am I supposed to say? “Yeah, what can I say, I’m awesome. I’ve also worked my tail off to be able to do this. I used to have a tail, by the way,” I don’t like how that conveys myself. Likewise, if it looks like I do specific things for attention, it looks desperate in a way.

Here’s what it boils down to: I believe in recognition more than attention. Once again, it is probably a flawed perception, but I think that, for instance, if I write and keep writing, people should eventually see it and gradually take interest because it is good and it strikes a chord with some people. How it actually works is: if I write, even if it is good, and strikes a chord with someone, I still have to get in an old airplane and write about my writing in the sky so everyone can know about it, or basically, market it and jump around screaming, “look at me! Look at me! Attention! Attention!”

If you have to be so aggressive and up front about it, it is attention. If you can find a way to receive notice naturally, it is recognition. I don’t like playing into the usual system because I would rather recognize someone for something beyond just the fact that I think they’re pretty. And so on.

That was the whole point of what I wrote. Sorry for forgetting it, haha.

Why I Don’t Like The Beatles

Someone once asked me why I made the bold claim that I don’t like The Beatles. Following this exchange, they demanded the I put my response up publicly somewhere (complimenting my writing, it was nice.)– I’d be a dirty scumbag if I only said I did and didn’t, so I’m finally getting around to it.

Task complete.

Prompt: “I’m sorry, but I need an explanation about why you dislike the Beatles.

You know, I was compelled to tackle this immediately upon reading it. Those words Need. and Now. must be some kind of sorcery, but I resisted it and knew that typing on my phone was not the vehicle for a proper reply.

Unfortunately, neither is right now, because I’m as tired as dirt (considering what dirt is, I figure it is about as tired as matter on this planet gets). Thus, I will answer this right now!

First off, I never claimed I disliked The Beatles. I respect them enough to ever go that far. I just can’t profess to really like them. Their impact, especially culturally, commercially, and in the realm of recording technology is a phenomenon that could very well be unparalleled. On top of that, even if the songs don’t always do it for me, we are talking about some of the best modern day songwriting there is, but I already said it– they just don’t do it for me. When you’re that good, or that big, there will be those who think that you are hyped up too much. Think of it like atoms in the air. Carbon and oxygen are great, they dominate the show, but think of poor hydrogen or helium. Those guys are amazing too. Maybe they got fed up and that’s why they are so utterly explosive (especially when you split them).

The Beatles are like carbon to me. Ubiquitous, but not holistically impressive. I have my moods where I can get into it, but for me, nothing they have done ever will be able to always send me to that place that something like Steely Dan’s Aja does from Wayne Shorter’s Sax solo soaring into the heavens, fueled by the pure thrust and thunder of Steve Gadd’s drumming frenzy all the way through the outro vamp that so slyly fades that you almost forget that– somewhere– that jam is still being played as those chords slowly swell in and out like never ending waves crashing into the shore. Or the way Paul Simon seemingly weaves together the perfectly phrased, perfectly picked string of words in a manner so right, yet still so musical that you’d almost mistake it for the inspired word of God itself.

Hyperbole aside, there are just so many things, musically, that hit me a lot harder than The Beatles ever did, that when so many people love them so much, I just wonder how they aren’t affected the same way by the things that I hear and process that move me so strongly. And then I remember, that’s music! And that’s what make a collection of musicians such as The Beatles so good, because they reach across every spectrum and bring in masses of individuals from every collective of personality and background you can dream up.

And that, in so many (too many) words, is why I just don’t care for them so much.

My apologies for not giving that explanation “now” !

how to estrange yourself from everyone you know in 2300 words or less

If you have an aversion to brutal honesty, hit the back button, X out of the window, or turn off the computer– continue to live in your self-constructed fantasy world of ignorance where you are comfortable and breathe easy.  I am about to put pretty much everyone on blast like a failed NASA launch.

I have a problem. I am too nice. I respect people too much. I can’t help it. Individually, I like you. Under the guise of people, I can’t stand you all. I am very clear headed right now. It isn’t my character to do this, this doesn’t make friends, and it certainly doesn’t keep them, but here’s the thing, I am actually very lonely. Why? Because most of you aren’t truly there. So what does it matter if I further alienate myself? I’m already extra-terrestrial, so I might as well spread the truth.

First off. You. If I think about it, you confound me, but that makes no sense, because on paper, you appear to lack the ability to confound me. I don’t understand what your draw is to me if you don’t value what I say. What I say and think should carry more weight than you, why? The simplified answer is that I am magnitudes smarter than you, but the actual answer is that I use my brain a lot more. I have for my entire life. I’ve made my living off of using my brain. Maybe you secretly have learned to appreciate that, and that is the appeal, but you don’t show appreciation for it, only that you’re threatened. I’ve said this, but you don’t respect my friends, nor do any people in your circle. Those people are the kind who have looked past me like vapor my entire life– one of the primary driving forces in my life to be so good at everything I do. The crux of people is this: if you don’t open yourself up to the people that other people care about, you show you don’t care about that person. I’m very accepting, even though deep down I might be angry, as exhibited here, I am mostly accepting than anything, and I want to give everyone as many chances as I can. It is why I ultimately connect with anyone who gives me the time of day, but it humiliates me when I give people chances and they don’t give other people that I care for chances. Why should I care about you, when you don’t care about them?

And that brings me to you. What can I say. Life takes its course, sure, but people don’t change like that. I love you, too, but you can’t dictate who you want me to be around the people you are close with now. If you aren’t planning on being close with someone for life, then don’t come on like you will be then change so drastically that my behavior, when I am myself, is seemingly so unacceptable that you reprimand me for it. You only expose yourself as an ass, and more importantly, the ignorant one. I don’t reprimand you for appearing to be a rock when you’re really just a grey cloth that is drastically moved by the wind, because I know as stable as we all are, we do that. I accept you either way, now use that high functioning brain of yours to realize the same thing, then hey, just because we all don’t have the same level of world experience, accept who I am going to be. Who all of your old friends are going to be. And let us be them. Invite us to be that around your new circles, because we got you to where you are. Here is the harshest thing I will say, and you might not think it so, but think on it, and know it is— you know better.

And you. You also will know who you are. Grow up. You’re not 16. Quit acting like it. You live in a total bubble. You also know better then to let this. You think you’re grown up now. Physically, you sure are. Intellectually, well, you’re very close. Emotionally, your progress has been retarded.  It is embarrassing because you know you are, and you’re letting your shelter, your unnatural comfort constrain you to that. There is a reason all of my other friends have grown to dislike you without knowing you. As charming and lovely as you are, you are selfish, and you hurt people. You know it, but you act like you don’t, or you feel so bad that you think that the only thing you can do is stay away until the heat cools off. That isn’t how it works. Ash is ash. It cools, and as far as matter goes, it is the same, but its form is irrevocably altered. If you would give people like me a chance, you’d see that there are those of us who reside closely to your little bubble, but also are beyond it in many ways, we have your best interest in mind because we care, but you don’t let us care. You won’t trust us, and it insults people like us when you think we are some child from that bubble. Once again, you have all this potential to be great, but how many years are you going to waste before you decide to show some bravery and REALLY grow up, just a little. Grow.

And then there is you. You actually might not know who you are, because you are great too, but you know that too well. All you know is how great you are, how you’re the leader of all your circles, you know that self-righteousness so well that you missed a handful of the closest, most valuable brothers and sisters you have had being alienated from you. In my own case, for over a year, and I guess that was somewhat overt. Here’s the thing: I take a lot of the blame for it, and I do publicly, but I don’t know if you realize how much of it was you, too. Just the fact that it seemed like the load was plopped on my shoulders solely, because of my extraneous situation doesn’t mean that it was all me, yet I was the fall guy. I don’t know what to say. Just like everyone else, you’re fantastic, but you’re also filled with pores and flaws like the rest of us. When you’re ready to start figuring this out to its full extent, you’ll see that a lot of people you’ve drifted from weren’t necessarily people who naturally drifted away, but those who were estranged. You’re not a beautiful flower, you’re an ugly man. That’s what we all are, and that.. is what makes us beautiful. Examine yourself. Examine yourself for a long time.

You. You know who you are. You’re so selfish. Especially right now. But you and I seem content to spend our lives knowing each other, in a never ending game of selfishness limbo. You’re outdoing me for the time being. Granted, I’ve even said, this is your time to be selfish some, but you’re letting it take command too much. You’re even being selfish in regards to me. Look– take what you want, what you know you need, but quit trying to move on to something further in your life and hold on to what you have to move past. That’s truly what makes you selfish. Either stay stagnant and reside where you have the past couple years, or let it go, cut it off for a while and make something of yourself. Look, you played a large role in forcing me to do that very thing. I knew I had to be selfish, but I didn’t let myself fully be selfish, because when I decided to cut myself from that umbilical, I let it go, I moved on, I bit many bullets, and am still recovering from it. But I did what was supposed to be done, and I did it as right as I could. Quit being so self-absorbed that you are alienating me, and torturing other parties closely involved. You’ve got only so long to make up your mind before the people who really have invested in you truly give up to the point where you never recover quite the same. Wake. Up.

And you. The nice transition over. I don’t even know what to say about you. Get over it. Good Lord, do I ever care about you, even still, but I know what I’ve done. I’ve been removed from it so far that I can think about you, or revisit old memories, feel what I felt then, then an instant later, feel the present. The past. The present. We are separate. I am separate. You’ve dragged this out long enough. I am sure anyone who experiences any fallout from your resentment can no longer stand it, but more importantly, on some level, you shouldn’t be able to either. Let it go. I knew I was giving everything up. I was hoping I wasn’t, but I’d never be so callous as to actually expect that. I’m sorry for how much pain I’ve caused, but isn’t it about time that you started to realize how much more pain I saved you from? I was the Titanic. As bad as it looks that I kicked everyone off, it was better than sinking everyone with me. So yes– it is about time you start to understand that. Then maybe you will quit doing everything you can to purge me from your life, because I am not going to try and become a major piece again, but we each deserve to have the option of being a minor piece. Stop it.

Oh and you. You’re an ass. I don’t even know if you really know it. It doesn’t matter, but pretty much everyone else thinks you are too, yet, because we all have our own bounty of faults, that doesn’t matter. This is especially true when we realize it. I don’t hold legitimate grudges. A grudge is something for short-lived anger. You are obviously ignorant if that’s how you see it. Nobody knows if you truly feel anything because you keep subjecting yourself to what, to anyone else, is guaranteed pain, and on the same vein, you will pursue something that should very obviously cause other people you know pain. But opportunity is opportunity. In the real world, everyone is not an opportunist. Think about it some more. It isn’t a puzzle.

And you. You definitely know who you are because I am taking your own words. You’re right you have it good. Too good? I wouldn’t go that far, you’re working on what could almost be alchemical principles– equivalent exchange and what not, but what do you get? You get out of something that was a good thing for a long time, but also stifled you for a long time. Yet, that connection doesn’t entirely sever. Then you get the girl that we correctly identify as the dream girl, in the sense that they just don’t make many like her. You parade around in your ideal world where, even though you still win out on these things, you still get to run away like you always do. We admire you for your ability to run and be free, but seriously, either decide that you are done running, or accept that you can’t have everything even when it is waiting there for you. It isn’t that I, or anyone else is bitter that things have worked out so well for you, but you’re being selfish about it. In the immediate, you might be lonely, but you take for granted the fact that you can wake up every morning and have that one person you can’t wait to talk to– and you get to communicate with them while everyone else is second in line. You know, life sucks, and it is messed up for all of us. You don’t get a lot of time to enjoy it all right now, but you have a lot you can enjoy, even if it is abstracted. That compounds greatly. More than anything else: who cares if you don’t deserve it. Anyone who has spent anytime in their own mind knows that, objectively, we deserve nothing, at best. It is better to enjoy what you don’t deserve as much as you can, then let it waste away. It does make me a little jealous that I will always be playing second fiddle to you, but quit wasting that, because it pisses me off. I’ll gladly spend it.

To all of you: get the hell out of your bubbles, your self-wrapped, self-absorbed, thick film of cloud fogging everything around you. If you did two things: respected yourself and respected everyone around you then we’d all be much happier. Instead, we are all just ignorant and insufferable. And the ugly side effects of that fact is that I further disconnect myself from everyone.

Because I’d never care to feel any of these types of things for any of you if I didn’t first care ever so deeply for you all. And instead, I just demonstrate why I feel alone and forgotten. I only hit on a few of you before I became exhausted, but I could have kept going. And I am only that much more critical with myself. When I wake up tomorrow, I very well may have no friends left, yet, when I go to sleep tonight, I don’t really have any, either.

Grow up. Examine yourself.

I HATE CBS! – Why CBS is a worse television network than Lifetime and MTV

Ok, so I’m a little perturbed going into this, because I just wasted 15 minutes on CBS.com, verifying what I already knew. I can’t stand the CBS Television Network. To me, it represents pretty much everything that is wrong with the mixture of art and entertainment that truly good TV represents to me. I will say off the bat– I don’t watch any CBS programming, though I have seen a number of their popular primetime shows once or twice each due to the fact that my parents are saps and dupe themselves into watching such unoriginal crap.

The primetime programming schedule for CBS is a minefield of crime dramas, except I’m not talking about a minefield in the real sense that you could walk and widely spread about are explosives that could unwittingly shuttle your leg off. I’m talking like the game, Minesweeper, on the hardest setting and largest board– the one where every 9 out of 10 clicks blows that yellow smiley face dude into a separate orbit. Basically, it blows. Now, generally, I’m going to give the benefit of the doubt here. I mean, who doesn’t like some good crime drama? As a genre it has produced plenty of classics in all sorts of mediums. Heck, even The Dark Knight was a crime drama at heart. Honestly though, what kind of suicide is it to just rehash the same concept over. Instead of a metropolitan homicide team, let’s switch it with an FBI detective and a mathematical savant. Instead of Lieutenant Dan from Forrest Gump, let’s do the same thing in a different city.. and we can throw in Morpheus from the Matrix! That’ll be cool!

I am reminded of Will Ferrell’s movie career. Now, I think Will Ferrell is awesome, and a very funny man. He has a lot of talent at what he does, but I don’t think anyone is going to deny that a lot of his movies are the same thing masked under a different costume. Forming a loosely constructed premise and plot outline then fueling a lot of the scenes with a strong influx of improv produces a lot of memorable and funny scenes, coupled with plenty of outrageousness, but I don’t think that I’m the only one who has a certain tolerance for it before it loses some of its luster, and there is no coincidence that he had a string of movies that were so highly similar to the other, just with an applied formula. Here is the thing, is it any coincidence that Anchorman is the most quoted and well-known of all of those? It was pretty much the first that truly had the Will Ferrell signature style to it. Maybe it is just better than the others, but it at least begs the question, how much of its success over the others can be attributed to the fact that it was the first to do it?– that when Anchorman came out, the style was at its peak ripeness?

Of course CBS proves me wrong. Dead wrong. Not only are there about 80 different crime drama’s in CBS’ lineup, there are 3 different CSI’s and one CSI crossover, and two NCISes (let’s not forget the fact that Survivor is hitting its bicentennial soon). To top it all off, these shows dominate the ratings. There are a lot of problems I have with all this. For one, it is just plain lazy. Why is imagination so thoroughly punished in our society? I am not saying it always is, but every time I come home at some point I have to sit through at least 5 minutes of one of these trite shows. Of course I never realize that it is a different show, but hey, these shows are all they watch so they are doing something right; exploiting (the elderly).

I think my largest grievance comes from the fact that so many great TV Shows end up overlooked and die off prematurely because by following the same cultural tendencies that music, movies and even best-selling books also follow. We are flooded with a drought– a drought of imagination. We get the same boxes in different wrapping paper every day, every week, every month, every year. You would think that they would occasionally take a risk, at least. For instance, I have never watched Dexter (I plan on it at some point), but I hear a lot about it. From what I can tell, even if I end up not liking it, it is a show that takes crime drama elements and at least incorporates some creativity. I’m not going to look this up, so hopefully I’m not blatantly wrong, but the fact that the main character plays the role of good guy while carrying many elements of a ‘bad guy’ isn’t even light years beyond what we could ever expect to see out of CBS and their plastic bubble-wrap brains, it is in an entirely different universe.

I think this is a good segue too, because I have tons of respect for a show like Dexter– even if I’ve never seen it. To me, it represents a lot of what great TV is supposed to do. It entertains for one. It takes this broad concept (I don’t want to really say genre even) and hones in on it, while adding its unique elements that give the show plenty of space to flesh out the whole premise and also develop it further. Furthermore, it introduces something a little deeper. We have these huge moral implications. You have a forensics dude who is a serial killer of criminals on the side– heck its even ironic. The complexity is almost unavoidable. There will always be various struggles, and I feel like the opportunities to occasionally make the viewer wrestle with the actions, decisions and morality of the characters in the show (specifically main character) and not have it so plainly be this concept of “a criminal did something bad, let’s figure it out, let’s make things right” — because it isn’t that simple. I mean, shoot, this type of stuff has worked in literature and theater since their beginnings.

This isn’t to say that all these other crime dramas have never done this on some level. I’ve seen enough episodes of Law and Order to remember an episode or so that does some highlighting on the fact that our justice system is far from perfect and carries many flaws, but how much room do these shows have? This brings me back to my point. I don’t think that it is necessarily TVs role to really make the viewer work on levels far beyond just watching characters and a plot unfold, because for one there is less investment into each installation in every aspect (time, writing, budget, acting, etc.) than say, film, but on the other hand it is a much more drawn out experience. Because of the stretched out nature, the complexities should be stretched out; thinner or perhaps a more shallow implementation, because of the fact that this element in media are really hard to get right, and because historically, I feel like TV has never been there so much to challenge us as viewers, but more than anything to provide us convenient outlets, escapes and other worlds we can visit for 30 to 60 minutes at a time once a week. There is still a concept of art behind it though, and it is robbery to the masses to just purely entertain; or as I said earlier, it is exploitation.

Of course, you could easily say I’m completely wrong and proven wrong on an empirical level considering how many shows that have really had a lot of balance between the average responsibilities of a TV show and something more for its audience to get involved in have tanked early. Times might be changing, but we are still under the tyranny of unwarranted success. The most financially successful movies, TV shows and music still has a great tendency to be assembly line crap (in terms of imagination, creativity and depth), and gosh, even I have a few piles of crap that I love, but this is just a joke that will always be over my head– I just don’t understand how millions of people continually support and encourage a network like CBS. They seriously have 5 1/2 versions of 2 shows.

Oh yeah– Two and a Half Men SUCKS– but at least most sitcoms these days have ditched the 20th century.