Twisted, that I can host a party with a billion people and in the following days spend the better part of a week slow boiling in social frustration.
Yet, here I am.
I’ve touched on how constant attrition wears me down in my piece on ‘the Friends Carousel‘, and it’s true. I’ve burned a few bridges myself, the extent of which I demolished them were mostly myself improperly judging the explosives I was using on them. The bridges others have burned, usually by ramming myself into situations I was trying to avoid in order to prevent exactly what happen.
I miss those friendships a lot. Sometimes I gotta wonder if I didn’t have so much pride if I could revive some of them, or if that would simply restart the crushing weight that obliterated them.
I’ve got friends that I have, yet, in practice, I’ve lost because of a sort of mutual absence; pathological liars, emotional burdens, junkies, antisocialites, and a slew of other social afflictions hover over others, and it isn’t that I love them any less, but there is always a twinge you pretend isn’t going to be there like a nagging injury that never goes away. It’s hard to find the purity that made them what they once were.
I’ve got friends who have moved far away, started families, or both, and the drift makes it hard for each of us to return to the places we left off.
I feel, likely incorrectly and quite selfishly, that I am usually the one who bears an extending sort of care for many. A sort of draw to James because he will see that you’re taken care of in some way. Of course, I’ve gotten so poor at that over the past few years, I’m not sure how I could give the impression anymore.
That might be one of the things I miss the most about Robert, though. Of most of the friends I’ve had in my life, he always seemed to extend himself to see that I was being cared for in some way. Yet, if we were back in our daily lives again, would we really recognize each other? How much of that could be reclaimed? I don’t know if you can turn that tide once you’ve began a life that -requires- putting others before yourself (a family).
Let me also add the one disappointing part of hosting is that you never get to see each person as much as you want, and at a point in the event, you’re forced to devote more time to the friends who demand more of your attention than some of the others. At the end of the night, you feel you entirely missed some people you yearned to see a lot more of.
And then there is work. In pockets where all else has failed, I’ve just told myself keep your head down and do your work, stick to your routine. Stay in shape, plays sports while you still can, try to be creative when you have pockets of time. But as good as my job has been for me, it is also greatly disappointing.
Socially, I struggle to see it as anything but a giant black spot on an otherwise bright star. Perhaps because every instance where I’ve spent a long time immersed in the same group of people, I’ve always ended up amidst a lot of companionship.
I’ll probably never have the allure of someone like my sister or Allison. The inclination upon meeting me is never, “I love James,” like the aforementioned, but my strength lies in my ability to foster sentiment over longer periods of time.
Perhaps that’s what pulls me down in all of it. I only actually get to work with 2-3 people out of an entire office. So I have the illusion that I’ve failed that pattern. It just feels a little more isolating because the rest of the office works together and my thoughts take great enjoyment in rubbing that fact in my face.
I don’t think it’d matter so much if work itself wasn’t slower than I’d like. This next year should be major for my career, but getting the project fully off the ground has been a test in patience and wading through molasses that would make drying paint anxiously tap its feet.
The point is, work is a place I like. The work I do is something I like. But it often feels very isolating. At its worst, I feel isolated for 9 hours a day. That’s never a good thing.
I also probably don’t meet enough women. This has never really bothered me. I’ve needed this time to really get to know myself, but I think the years of constant reloading of my social lineup has introduced an all new allure to finally trying to settle down as opposed to just letting whatever happens, happen.
Mom and dad being in town and leaving had a dreamlike quality. It was so quick, but I think the introduction and sudden absence had me rethinking my mid-term life goals. I’m just starting to wonder if with all the strain of trying to maintain my social life if it isn’t time to rethink what I am doing with my romantic life and if it needs to become a point A to point B type of 1-3 year goal.
I’ve been spending so much time getting myself to a point where I feel like I have all my ducks in a row, I’m just not sure if I’ve passed that point where I have enough of myself where I need to be, and if I am just not aiming for some impossible idea of where I want to be. I guess what I’m getting at is I don’t know if I should be putting myself out there or if I should just hang on to the course I was on before I start to.
I wonder how much of this angst has been exacerbated by being immobilized by my foot injury for two months. Usually, when all else fails me, I have sports to cling on to. I think there is a pristine solace to be found in the simplicity of surging past someone to put a ball into a net or through a hoop or anything of the like. There’s something about sending yourself into the black and white domain of the purely instinctual. It’s freeing in its regression given the fact that the primal state frees you from the burdens of your mind.
This was quite stream of consciousness, I realize. Sometimes I just have to get it out.
I think the details aren’t what matter here as much as the arrival to the point where I can recognize how recently I was surrounded by heaps of loving people and now am forsaking everything that means as if it never happened.
Because almost everything I lamented about was proven to the contrary less than a week before. Sometimes you just need to flush the junk out.