Excitement, That’s A Good Word

The following is a pure ramble.

A blank page can either reflect a blank mind or a busy one. Right now, I’m staring at the reflection of a rush hour traffic jam.

I’ve lost all discipline lately, and now I’m in trouble. I’ve got work that I need to do, that needed to be done over a week ago. I could finish up pretty much all of it in a couple hours, and instead, each day I just let my energy dwindle as the time seeps out of the day, while I sequester myself as a hybrid of punishment and forced motivation.

Come on, just do it. This isn’t as bad as it seems. Just do it and you can let yourself live normally again. You stay locked up until then.

Further and further I compress myself, but I can’t find the discipline. I can’t find the motivation. Excitement, it seems, has vanished from my life.

Excitement, that’s a good word.

I’ve relapsed recently. I hadn’t been noticeably depressed for a period longer than a day or two in a long time. You might could count when my parents moved, and I finally got a place to live. There was a week where I was low to the ground, but that’s about it.

Last week was a hall of famer, as far as good weeks go. So why have I been so irritated this week?

I’ve got a problem. When I get in a bad mood, I am too reliant on something good happening to me in order to buoy out of it. It is as situational as my confidence. I have no base line. Right now, I’m stuck. I’m on the cusp of something great happening to me, but it isn’t reality yet, and in the meantime, all the other stuff is more of the same.

The past. It is hard to not live in the past when there hasn’t been enough of the new layered on top of it. Too much of my life is still sitting in the past. I spent a long time deluding myself that I was above any sort of love life, and now I’m not. Now I know I’m as mortal as everyone else, and I just want to transition to watching all these TV shows by myself like some anti-social loser, to doing the same thing, but being able to call it spending time with someone.

Or maybe I just want to not be living in the past with that anymore. It’s a problem now that I know the archetype of who I want, but I can’t have who I want, so now I have to figure out some sort of way to meet someone who hits all those notes the same way the person I want does. I need something to kick up the dust. I’d entertain anything at this point. I need…

Excitement, that’s a good word.

I’m barely scraping by in about all facets of life, but I’m mostly happy. If my head is over water, and a current is keeping me in motion, I’ll be fine. I know scraping by is the norm, but I don’t plan on doing it for forever, or even long. The problem is that just hanging in there really only works when you have things to spruce your life atmosphere here and there. I don’t. I shuffle through the same few friends, and that’s good, I’ve got people I can count on, but the number slowly shrinks. It never grows. If I subtract, I never add. I can’t even breakeven. I just cut more losses.

On a day like today, I get off work, I go home (I was supposed to be at the gym) and I don’t want to do anything I need to do (for instance, call Amazon to get them to send me a replacement for my defective Kindle. I can’t even trouble myself with a 5 minute phone call for my favorite device). I don’t want to do anything at all.

I go to sleep. I’m not even really that tired, but I go to sleep. A text message might wake me up. It is disappointing. Not a disappointing text message, but it isn’t who I want, or if it is, they aren’t saying what I wish they were saying. I go back to sleep, or maybe I lay down and try to think for 20 more minutes, but, in my head, it only comes out as infrasound, and my mind can’t hear the thoughts.

I eventually get up. I don’t cook anymore, because not having a dishwasher is enough to take away my discipline. So I eat some garbage, or, on many days, I’m lucky to have my roommate cook for me. I eat, I stare at radiating rectangles, but my eyes and I both hate it. I’m also cold this entire time. Then, I try to beat myself up again.

Do something useful. If you’re going to be bored and lonely, please, at least do something useful. It’s not that hard, and you’ll feel better.

Maybe I don’t want to. Maybe I just like always having to fight off misery. I do nothing.

After more time of nothing, I go to bed. I wake up too late in the morning, and go through the routine again.

Excitement, that’s a good word.

My standards of excitement are intolerably low now. If a girl asked me to come over (or vice versa) and eat dinner, that’d be like my 4th of July. Maybe the last actual exciting thing I did was go see Ben Folds Five. I went alone. I’m not complaining, but that should be noted, right?

I’ve got a lot of great things that I can see brewing, and I know there is more that hasn’t yet made itself aware to my senses, but I still have these old shackles that I can’t really shake. And lately, it has me threatening to slip from just being down, lethargic, to mildly depressed again. I don’t like that.

I’m not going to accept that, but sometimes I just want to be helped.

I don’t want to be helped either. I don’t want to be bothered. I don’t want attention, or maybe it is just that I don’t want just anyone’s attention, I only want someone’s attention.

I’m not a nice guy, and I’ve fooled a lot of people. I won’t say that I don’t care about you, I just don’t care about you like you might get the impression I do.

Give me room to care about what I want. Give me the opportunity.

See, even in the life cycle of my negative thought process, my positive attempts are sour.

That’s all this has been. The negative thought process I am suffering from put into words. Hopefully I’m printing off all this fowl ink, and fresh fluid can pump through my mind again when I wake up (I’d prefer it to the morning anxiety I’ve been suffering from lately).

I know I’m circumstantial, and I’m doing what I can to not be, but I need something– maybe it doesn’t exactly have to be something good– to give me a boost and put my back on the saddle. I think I just need some excitement.

Excitement, that’s a good word.