Tomorrow I start my life over– again. Or so it feels. I did this once already within the last year, when I went back to school and started working at Forrest Hills. Tomorrow, I reboot, again, and that is kind of terrifying me at the moment.
It isn’t so much nerves, it is the lack of imagination that is doing it. I’ve talked about it a lot, but when I initially dropped out of school, I basically dropped out of society. I struggled to get back in, and when the time came, I had this ridiculous fear that I wouldn’t be able to assimilate. Fears that I was no longer tough enough to keep an actual schedule. Fears that I’d sink back into all the folds and nooks I hid in. Ridiculous fears.
The difference between then and now is that I was going back to something familiar, something that has once been very comfortable. Going back to school had its own set of terrors and challenges, but it was more or less like riding on a bike. For me, personally, I am headed into what is practically uncharted territory tomorrow.
When I finally graduated, it was like dropping out all over, except I had a nice bound slip of paper instead of a trestle of guilt. Nonetheless, it was a repeat of a previous nightmare. More than anything in the world, I did not want to go back there. I went back. It was like I was some scrap car in a junkyard being relocated, and suddenly they were just like, “screw it,” and dropped me into another heap of twisted, sharp junk. It sucked.
I had some good things to keep me in the fold. Kept myself regimented on things I could, such as my own fitness, and a boss internship, but the rest was more and more of the same. I went back to somewhere I never wanted to go again, some place I thought I couldn’t handle again, and tomorrow begins the first real progress of me stepping out.
I’ve always felt that I was gifted with a unique imagination, and certainly a potent one, but it is far too weak to imagine what it is going to be like to be back into a scheduled life, outside of school, actually getting paid as a professional, being a more complete adult, continuing to grow, and so on. These things are so simple, so bland, so expected, so widespread, but I can’t imagine it. It is something out of the scope of what I can envision. Due to that, it feels like I have no control over it, and that terrifies me.
It almost isn’t a big deal. It is notable, but it isn’t what it is in my head.
Of course, if you couple this with all of the changes with my family– essentially everyone leaving– and the fact that tomorrow begins a simulation of sorts with that (as my parents are out of town, and my sister and co. already moved), then it just adds to the whole effect.
I guess what I am saying is:
I don’t like going to sleep and having no idea what tomorrow will feel like, how I’ll feel like, and how I’ll feel like at the end of the day.
But I must say…
It’s about time.