Atonement: this was either spot on, or the biggest pile of BS I’ve ever presented

But it was relevant to myself, because this is the never ending path I am finding myself on, and the biggest current theme in my life right now:

The path to atonement, the “redemption story” — it is something I’ve thought a lot about (it is one of my favorite character arcs), and I don’t think that such a thing is possible– in the sense, that if someone does something or is a certain person at some point in their history, and does something that betrays who they later learn they should be, and want to be, then they can’t just commit a few good acts, or one ultimate selfless effort that grew out of a culmination of character reversal and thus be redeemed.

Despite this, I do think that one can find who they are looking to become on that path to atonement, but only by never accepting the concept of atonement, and rather always seeking to atone for this horrible person they felt that they had inside of them, and erase all memories of that guilt. By never ceasing to absolutely oppose the former, in that sense, in a purely character (human being) arc manner, one can complete a redemption story; by incompletion.

More Honesty Minute

Tomorrow I start my life over– again. Or so it feels. I did this once already within the last year, when I went back to school and started working at Forrest Hills. Tomorrow, I reboot, again, and that is kind of terrifying me at the moment.

It isn’t so much nerves, it is the lack of imagination that is doing it. I’ve talked about it a lot, but when I initially dropped out of school, I basically dropped out of society. I struggled to get back in, and when the time came, I had this ridiculous fear that I wouldn’t be able to assimilate. Fears that I was no longer tough enough to keep an actual schedule. Fears that I’d sink back into all the folds and nooks I hid in. Ridiculous fears.

The difference between then and now is that I was going back to something familiar, something that has once been very comfortable. Going back to school had its own set of terrors and challenges, but it was more or less like riding on a bike. For me, personally, I am headed into what is practically uncharted territory tomorrow.

When I finally graduated, it was like dropping out all over, except I had a nice bound slip of paper instead of a trestle of guilt. Nonetheless, it was a repeat of a previous nightmare. More than anything in the world, I did not want to go back there. I went back. It was like I was some scrap car in a junkyard being relocated, and suddenly they were just like, “screw it,” and dropped me into another heap of twisted, sharp junk. It sucked.

I had some good things to keep me in the fold. Kept myself regimented on things I could, such as my own fitness, and a boss internship, but the rest was more and more of the same. I went back to somewhere I never wanted to go again, some place I thought I couldn’t handle again, and tomorrow begins the first real progress of me stepping out.

I’ve always felt that I was gifted with a unique imagination, and certainly a potent one, but it is far too weak to imagine what it is going to be like to be back into a scheduled life, outside of school, actually getting paid as a professional, being a more complete adult, continuing to grow, and so on. These things are so simple, so bland, so expected, so widespread, but I can’t imagine it. It is something out of the scope of what I can envision. Due to that, it feels like I have no control over it, and that terrifies me.

It almost isn’t a big deal. It is notable, but it isn’t what it is in my head.

Of course, if you couple this with all of the changes with my family– essentially everyone leaving– and the fact that tomorrow begins a simulation of sorts with that (as my parents are out of town, and my sister and co. already moved), then it just adds to the whole effect.

I guess what I am saying is:

I don’t like going to sleep and having no idea what tomorrow will feel like, how I’ll feel like, and how I’ll feel like at the end of the day.

But I must say…

It’s about time.

My Special Place

I found one of those fill in the blank paragraph frames in a grammar book I had in like 5th or 6th grade called ‘My Special Place’. It is crazy how relevant it still is to my life even to this day.

Whenever I am feeling down or sad, I go to my room.

It’s a tough place for running around in.

When I’m there, I always look for (or see) my Playstation or N64.

It usually makes me feel claustraphobic and stuck.

At times, I hear crickets or other loud things in this special place.

If I take a deep breath, I sometimes smell the fresh air from my window.

I know of no other place like my room.

*underlined words = filled in blank

The HyperZone

When I turned 6 I got a Super Nintendo for my birthday. With it, came two games. Super Mario World, and an obscure F-Zero-esque space shooter called HyperZone. In my near 20 years of owning it, I’ve never beat it.

Today, my nephew came over and played SNES with me for the last time before he moves to Hawaii. He couldn’t beat the first level and I kept telling him if he keeps trying he will be able to. So he kept trying, After an hour on his own, he was beating it.

The story doesn’t end here because that game is nutsy hard, and he couldn’t quite conquer level 2. So he begged me to beat it and the next level and the next. Finally, I threw down everything I did and resolved to beat it for him. Unfortunately, he had to leave right as I was about to beat the 6th level (there are 8).

He left, but I was only more determined to keep trying for him. I can finally say that after 20 years of never beating that blasted game, I just beat HyperZone. The fact that he couldn’t be there to celebrate with me makes it a sad victory, but I couldn’t have done it without him teaching me to keep trying.

I’m going to miss that little guy, as well as my niece, as well as my sister (you don’t count, Michael, we’ve already been missing you). They are moving away in a couple days. Love you guys.