Summary: Where I was last year. Triumphing over it. Her. The nature of love. What ideals of love that form what we want when we think about loving someone. End.
I’m tired. At birth, I resolved to start every blog entry I have with mentioning how tired I am. I slept from 6:30 – 11. That kinda sucks. Plus I’m used to going to sleep at 1 am these days.
I haven’t had an honest update since August. August, as you all know, was when my life got unpaused. It is in play, but there is enough there for it to be fast forwarding. This section is starting to wind down. It feels longer than the few months it has been. I have to force myself to check-in– right now! This is an important moment of my life currently. I need to write about it.
Exactly a year ago, I was the steaming car broken down on the side of the road, you know, that one on some sun-dried, endless stretch of road in the desert. Even if I could go, I had no direction.
I look back on it all and realize how much it sucks. I systematically gave up everything I had, even the best things I had. I had a love, but very little to offer her. I didn’t officially relinquish that until a couple months following my break down, but it happened. I had enough moments where I doubted if I’d ever come back from it all. Recovering from serious injury always puts that doubt in your mind that you can do it again; that your injury won’t resurface and prevail.
A few days ago I turned in a business plan and a strategic management group case. Those two shadows hadn’t left my room in a year. No matter any attempt to fill these dark spaces with light, they remained. I knew going back into school that these specific assignments, as well as the others would not be a problem. I was more than capable of completing them, of excelling, even, but they only go increasingly daunting as time passed; as their time approached.
Fast forward to feverish typing and hours stacking like Tetris blocks on level 99, I think I ultimately was removed from myself in all this. There was no other way. In every case, I completed these things at the last minute. These shadows in my room were gone.
Without that obstruction I am now seeing the reality of what is finally–finally approaching. Four months later I finally feel like I’ve found my place on this campus, and now I’m about to leave it.
I am finally finding that I can feel in other ways, not that I am ready to deal with anything involving love, but that I am finally progressing. I think I am discovering that I need closure on the past. How she decided to find closure may have worked for her, but I now realize it doesn’t work for me. I don’t know what to do about that. I think I need to talk to her, even if it is just one conversation. I don’t know what to say, though. I’d have no direction. I don’t know if it is selfishness or a true pursuit for closure. Every instance of contact I’ve had with her since the 1st of January has waterboarded me with guilt and self-loathing. I don’t want to be a problem. Apparently any contact is a problem. I don’t know what I’ll do about that. Too bad I can’t bat signal this and her contact me on her own initiative.
I had a conversation last night about love. The prompt was: if you could be in love with any person, who would it be? My answer was no answer. I didn’t know. That concept doesn’t exist for me right now, how could I dare to even spotlight any one person? As an aside, it is interesting to hear other people answer that question. Among friends it seems that we would want a love with someone that is somewhat unexpected, or contrary to how things are in reality. When I think about it, I can only think of 2.. maybe 3 people that I could actually see having a relationship that would constitute real love — out of the people I currently know (and one of those is automatically subtracted, given the circumstance of how things turned out).
It is odd to me, though, because when I think of a majority of girls that I know, I think that I would be the best option for them, with regards to love. I also think that I could have at least a ‘decent’ love with just about anyone, and when I say decent I mean better than average– maybe not up to my standards, but better than average. These kind of opinions, when spoken out loud, probably make me sound like some terrible, arrogant person, but I believe this– and I’m usually right.
It just begs a lot of questions about love, and also what we think about when we imagine a love with someone. I guess love is intrinsically associated with some sort of pursuit of happiness– an alignment of desire for physical intimacy, emotional support and someone you can just count on being with and around. I hope it is evident that I’m not putting much effort into defining love and the forces that drive the need for it.
I also think that when I imagine being in love with a specific person, it has a lot of variability, but then again, there are a lot of similarities. I think on this stage, I’ll just leave it at that. I thought about divulging an example, but I think that is something best saved for one-on-one conversation.. it was more just a thought exercise for myself, and a future question to ask people in conversation. Curiosity sparked.
I have many more thoughts on the forefront, but I’m having trouble writing given the environment I’m in. A 4 person chat group decided to assemble next to my work area, so long 5 hours of peace I’ve enjoyed. I have to get back to work anyway.
This time last year I was laying in my bed 16 hours a day, trying to hide from the rest of the world; using sleep as a numbing agent to everything I was feeling. Now, I’m about to finish up a couple more presentations and barrel on. I get stronger everyday.